Many people have thought about declaring bankruptcy at some point in their lives. Perhaps they’ve even filed for it. Many have laid awake at night thinking about all of the shame and humiliation they would have to face. Some have taken a hard look at their finances and hopefully made the right changes to better their financial situation.
What if it’s not you facing bankruptcy, but it’s a friend or family member instead? How can you support them at this trying and difficult time?
1. Don’t cast shame. Your loved ones already feel bad enough; they don’t need anyone to add to their embarrassment. Depending on your relationship with them, you may be able to ask questions and give some loving and helpful advice. More often than not, however, people will think you are preaching to them and they won’t listen anyway. Even kind advice or well-intentioned questions can make the person feel ashamed of their circumstances.
2. Don’t judge. No matter how well you know the person, it’s unlikely that you know the complete story. Bankruptcy is typically a long and downward spiral that can be traced back years and even decades. You may say to yourself, “They wouldn’t be in this situation if they hadn’t wasted their money on….” Keep these thoughts to yourself. You may shake your head at a friend who is going through a bankruptcy and driving a Mercedes, but you may not have all of the facts. The loan on that Mercedes may have been paid in full years ago.
They may wear designer jeans, but you may not know that they were purchased from a thrift store. Even if you do know what was purchased, where it was purchased, and how much was spent, it’s still none of your business. Bankruptcy is between the debtors and their creditors, and shouldn’t be a factor in your friendship.
3. Just listen. Someone going through bankruptcy may need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to change the subject and talk about something else. Be there for them and listen quietly. Listen to what they say, but also what they don’t say. If they always change the subject when finances come up, then quit bringing up finances. You may want to take them to a dinner or a movie for their birthday or other special occasion, but they may see that as a pity payment or just not want to take any help from friends. If that’s the case, don’t push it. If you say too much or push too hard, you may end up losing a great friend.
4. Stay optimistic. If someone is struggling with the stress and embarrassment of bankruptcy, the last thing they need is to listen to someone complaining about how tough their life is. Nothing ever good comes from complaining to others about your problems. Discuss the good things in life and help them to see the light at the end of the tunnel.