One of the toughest aspects of divorce is meeting the needs of your children during and after the divorce. Parents who are divorcing will probably have a hard time parenting together, even though they both want to do what’s best for their kids. The fact is that you will have to deal with the other parent of your children at least until your children are grown, so here are some tips on working together to raise children after a divorce.
Focus on the kids
It’s very common to feel anger and resentment toward your former spouse, especially if you are recently divorced. The best thing for your kids will be for you to not address these feelings and problems with your ex when you are dealing with issues surrounding your kids. Instead, limit your conversations to focus only on your children. Don’t discuss any other aspect of your or life or theirs; just talk about what you need to do to meet your children’s needs, and leave it at that.
Communicate willingly
Always be willing to discuss your children with your ex. Be open to their ideas and concerns and try to work together to solve problems. Be polite when you talk and acknowledge that you understand what your ex is trying to say, even if you disagree. Staying calm, being a good listener, and communicating your ideas in a non-accusatory manner will help to keep the lines of communication open.
Follow the Golden Rule
It can be tempting after a divorce to let your hurt feeling spill over into your childcare routines, which can leave you feeling frustrated in situations that are just not that big of a deal. Try, instead, to cut your ex some slack and treat them how you would like to be treated. If they need to keep the kids an extra hour or pick them up a little late, let them do it if it doesn’t interfere with your plans. When you find yourself in the wrong, promptly take the opportunity to apologize. Ask your ex what their opinion is on various issues and then take their advice into consideration. If you do these things, you stand a better chance of being the recipient of similar polite behaviors later on.
Be consistent with rules and boundaries
Kids feel more secure if they know what to expect. You don’t have to have everything be exactly the same at both parents houses, but it will be best for your kids if the basics are at least similar. Talk with your ex and come to agreement on some basic rules and boundaries regarding things like homework, TV time, bed time, etc. If one parent has to punish a child, the punishment should continue to be enforced at the other parent’s house. The same goes for rewards.
Your children are entitled to have a relationship with both their parents, even after a divorce. They need to be able to engage with their parents on their own terms, without having to worry about opinions or conflict that may exist between their parents. The best thing that divorced parents can do for their kids is find a way to work together when raising them. If parents can find solutions to this difficult problem, the entire family can thrive, even if the marriage didn’t.